****Back By Singular Request****
Benedict Le Gauche
BENEDICT LLE GAUCHE, man of integrity. All the jobs I’ve had previously were brilliant learning experiences tailor made to equip me for precisely the job I’m applying. I have ‘the ability to work under pressure’. I might even like the job! I excel at customer service. I like working on my own and also love the company of people and am versatile. I can work incredibly long hours, and will work for very little money. Thanks for taking the time out to read my application. I have been honest. I excel at customer service.
Business Housing Inspector ; The Women’s Organisation, Manchester ; 08/2010 – Present
Unparalleled hygienicism, Exceptional Key holding.
Customer Service Executor nonpareil ; Zion Arts Centre, Manchester ; 02/2011 –07/20011
Moving chairs from one place to another great place, effortlessly. Tables too!
Lead Copywriter ; Tailormydesign.co.uk, the internet ; July 2010
BoneChina Restorer ; Koffee Pot, Manchester ; I was lucky enough to do this job five times in 2010
Peerless washing up
Head Chef. ; Stock Restaurant, Manchester ; 28/09/2009 to 15/12/2009
Consummate preparation and presentation of fine-dining dishes. Unprecedented Teamwork. I was commended for my really good bravery and terrific forthrightness.
Telephone Sales Executive ; GOVNET, Manchester ; 15/8/2009 to 28/8/2009
Premier being-on-the-phone. Number 1 salesman 08/2009
Señor Bookseller ; Blackwell University Bookshop, Manchester ; 01/06/2006 to 10/12/2008
My meteoric rise to ‘Fiction Buyer’ – I was featured on their website as a fantastic expert – was tempered by nothing. Having achieved a memorable childhood dream at such a tender age I was terribly happy indeed. Duties included: Daily use of the full suite of Microsoft Office programmes. For two years. So now I can’t look at a latticed window without thinking, “gosh this is fan-TASTIC”.
Valued Bookseller ; Books Etc. Manchester Printworks (now a Michelin Star Restaurant) ; 02/08/2005 to 20/12/2005
Magnificent cashing up. Overwhelmingly impressive data input.
Customer Relations Handler & Helper ; NEXT, Market Street Lancaster ; 06/09/2001 to 01/02/2003
I learned how to mediate between women who’re rightly enthused about knitwear hurting anyone’s feelings. Trained & practised first aider.
Education // Trainings
Customer Service Certification ; Mary Gober International ; June 2007
After a two day course in a enchanting hotel nestled deep in leafy Leeds my self-satisfaction is up from 46% to 100% and number of written complaints I receive down from 400 to 00
BA (hons) Philosophy (2:1) ; Manchester Metropolitan University ; 06/06/2002 to 06/07/2006
A levels, English Language (C), English Literature (C) Mathematics (D) ; Preston College, Preston ; 06/06/1999 to 06/07/2001
A great result!
GCSEs in all manner of subjects (4xA, 2xB, 3xC and 1xD) ; Garstang High School, Garstang, Lancashire ; 1994 – 1999
I am an accomplished reader. I play squash to the best of my ability, which is mercurial. I spend time with my exemplary family. I am a virtuoso of both piano and guitar. Oftentimes I’ll give a cigarette to a nice homeless man. I draw resplendent pictures of my friends and give them to them as birthday presents alongside a proper present. I use my imagination exclusively to brainstorm solutions to company problems, even when I’m off the clock. I pursue love and happiness live anyone else but with measurably greater success than they.
Facts and Figures
- Average time I stay in a job: Until the job is done and not before
- Average wage: £7
- My weight, as of June 2011: 78KG
- Number of friends on Facebook: 300
- Age at which I was 100% sure I’d passed puberty: 12
- Average number of letters in my fifteen multicultural ex-girlfriend’s Christian names: 6
- Number of letters in current girlfriend’s name: 10
- Status of relationship: Open to enquiries.
- % of customers satisfied: 110% (up from 74% thanks to The Gober Method)
“Did you expect less than perfection with a name like Benedict?” – Matt Crook
“A CV like that should land you a job in no time!” – Mother
“You’ll go far” – Chris Machin
“I treat customers like my family and my family like customers”