The Other CV

****Back By Singular Request****

Benedict Le Gauche

About me

BENEDICT LLE GAUCHE, man of integrity.  All the jobs I’ve had previously were brilliant learning experiences tailor made to equip me for precisely the job I’m applying.  I have ‘the ability to work under pressure’.  I might even like the job!  I excel at customer service.  I like working on my own and also love the company of people and am versatile I can work incredibly long hours, and will work for very little money.  Thanks for taking the time out to read my application.  I have been honest.  I excel at customer service. 

Work History

Business Housing Inspector ; The Women’s Organisation, Manchester ; 08/2010 – Present

Unparalleled hygienicism, Exceptional Key holding.

Customer Service Executor nonpareil ; Zion Arts Centre, Manchester ;  02/2011 –07/20011

Moving chairs from one place to another great place, effortlessly.  Tables too! 

Lead Copywriter ; Tailormydesign.co.uk, the internet ;  July 2010

Excellent Writing.

BoneChina Restorer ; Koffee Pot, Manchester ; I was lucky enough to do this job five times in 2010

Peerless washing up

Head Chef. ; Stock Restaurant, Manchester ; 28/09/2009 to 15/12/2009

Consummate preparation and presentation of fine-dining dishes.  Unprecedented Teamwork.  I was commended for my really good bravery and terrific forthrightness.

Telephone Sales Executive ; GOVNET, Manchester ; 15/8/2009 to 28/8/2009

Premier being-on-the-phone.  Number 1 salesman 08/2009

Señor Bookseller ; Blackwell University Bookshop, Manchester ; 01/06/2006 to 10/12/2008

My meteoric rise to ‘Fiction Buyer’ – I was featured on their website as a fantastic expert – was tempered by nothing.  Having achieved a memorable childhood dream at such a tender age I was terribly happy indeed.  Duties included:  Daily use of the full suite of Microsoft Office programmes.  For two years.  So now I can’t look at a latticed window without thinking, “gosh this is fan-TASTIC”.

Valued Bookseller ; Books Etc. Manchester Printworks (now a Michelin Star Restaurant) ; 02/08/2005 to 20/12/2005

Magnificent cashing up.  Overwhelmingly impressive data input.

Customer Relations Handler & Helper ; NEXT, Market Street Lancaster ; 06/09/2001 to 01/02/2003

I learned how to mediate between women who’re rightly enthused about knitwear hurting anyone’s feelings.   Trained & practised first aider.

Education // Trainings

Customer Service Certification ; Mary Gober International ; June 2007

After a two day course in a enchanting hotel nestled deep in leafy Leeds my self-satisfaction is up from 46% to 100% and number of written complaints I receive down from 400 to 00 

BA (hons) Philosophy (2:1) ; Manchester Metropolitan University ; 06/06/2002 to 06/07/2006

Point-full.

A levels, English Language (C), English Literature (C) Mathematics (D) ; Preston College, Preston ; 06/06/1999 to 06/07/2001
                          

A great result!  

GCSEs in all manner of subjects (4xA, 2xB, 3xC and 1xD) ; Garstang High School, Garstang, Lancashire ; 1994 – 1999
 

Invaluable! 

Extracurricular Pursuits

I am an accomplished reader.  I play squash to the best of my ability, which is mercurial.  I spend time with my exemplary family.  I am a virtuoso of both piano and guitar.  Oftentimes I’ll give a cigarette to a nice homeless man.  I draw resplendent pictures of my friends and give them to them as birthday presents alongside a proper present.  I use my imagination exclusively to brainstorm solutions to company problems, even when I’m off the clock.  I pursue love and happiness live anyone else but with measurably greater success than they.  

Facts and Figures

  • Average time I stay in a job: Until the job is done and not before
  • Average wage: £7
  • My weight, as of June 2011: 78KG
  • Number of friends on Facebook: 300
  • Age at which I was 100% sure I’d passed puberty: 12
  • Average number of letters in my fifteen multicultural ex-girlfriend’s Christian names: 6
  • Number of letters in current girlfriend’s name: 10
  • Status of relationship: Open to enquiries.
  • % of customers satisfied: 110% (up from 74% thanks to The Gober Method) 

::Testimonials ::

“Did you expect less than perfection with a name like Benedict?” – Matt Crook

“A CV like that should land you a job in no time!” – Mother

“You’ll go far” – Chris Machin

Motto:

“I treat customers like my family and my family like customers”

  1. #1 by Sami on September 16, 2011 - 4:05 am

    This is excellent! Pretty much the same thing as the CV, but translated into modern slimy… erm… I ment modern fantastic lingo which would warm up the general area where the heart should be in any HR’s chest.

  2. #2 by lennymccartney on December 4, 2011 - 1:08 pm

    hi, you are really called mike berry aka shiver metimbers – the author of “greetings in jesus name!” , a book about email scammers – and i claim my £5.

  3. #4 by annael on December 4, 2011 - 2:10 pm

    Your CV is great. Love it.

  4. #5 by Kaz on December 5, 2011 - 8:07 pm

    I think I love you

  5. #6 by Bobinthewater on December 6, 2011 - 12:30 pm

    Hi Ben/Mike/Shiver,

    Your blog is hilarious and an object lesson in modern media manipulation (or ‘mmm….’ to those in the know). I have to admit I was taken in and now feel slightly like a participant in a Jon Ronson documentary!

    • #7 by curriculum vitiate on December 8, 2011 - 2:41 pm

      I have been entirely taken in with the thing too, Bob.

      You and me both.

  6. #8 by Joe Turner on December 8, 2011 - 7:16 pm

    I also got tired of writing CVs, so decided on a less-is-more theory. Buggrit, I’m not going to get the job anyway.

  7. #9 by [g] on July 31, 2012 - 8:36 pm

    I pursue love and happiness live [LIKE] anyone else but with measurably greater success than they.

    yore speling mistoke!
    [dicegeorge]

  1. The Worst and Best Way to Apply for a Job - Work Fails & Job LOLs - Monday Through Friday
  2. The Do’s and (Mostly) Don’t’s of CV’s – danielernestluff.co.uk

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: