CV Building Workshop No.1

Hello Reader,

You’re looking great today, new hair?  No?  Well whatever, look:  If you’re not busy do you think we could have a go at workshopping the old CV?

I’ve been thinking, see, what with all of us trying to get jobs wouldn’t it be great if we brought our collective weight to bear on the writing process?  I know you probably think that workshops are ‘gay’ or whatever but lets just plunge in.  Yes or no?


Ok, so I was thinking we can start with language (we can cover typography and scents and which crayons are the best later).  We all want the nastiest most underhand bastard of a CV on the marketplace don’t we?  The better to eliminate all hell out of the competition right?*  And so which words, of all the words, are the contenders, are the punch in the groin when the referee is distracted by your tag-team partner words?  Which words are fighting talk in the modern hunt and kill for the job?

Monster are a massive jobhunting monster, they should know what’s what.

You know Monster – the unholy alliance of invasive marketing and unwieldy interfaces and articles about how to make your CV like every other lizard’s CV.

With their years of experience they’ve surely scratched out one or two pearls of wisdom from the process.

Here is the sum total of their knowledge.

‘Awesome Words to Use on Your CV’

Click, take a second to soak in the wisdom.

If you can’t be bothered to click here is one example:


Well, and me too.  I had a couple of questions for them:

Reasonable answers to the above questions:

1. Idiots, no-one.

2. Certainly

3. On the train back from London.

If I get anything else, and I almost certainly will, I will write back and ask ‘to what end all of the lies?’.

I hate the colours.  I hate that they’ve set the word so BIG so that it looks like you’re being read the word very slowly as if you’re stupid and asked to think very carefully about what the word means.  But the quotes are the most invidious thing.  The quotes are designed to give you the impression that everyone shopping for jobs on Monster makes 200K before 9AM, fucks only cheerleaders, can whistle like a bird and is the recipient of at least 4 nebulous medals/year (award for excellence?)

And so I thought we could come up with our own.  Well, I thought I could.

From the misanthropic wellspring from which the best A-Z’s spring I present to you…

Awesome Words to Put on Your CV A-Z-skipping-the-harder-letters Slideshow Pt.1′

You’ll probably need to stop the slideshow and scroll left because, again, this isn’t a Sega Megadrive and I don’t really know what’s what.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Whilst you wait for the installment no.2  I invite you to come up with your own quotes and send them in.

The best quote will be sent a bottle of wine and a signed photo


*We might one day lock heads in the marketplace, you and I.  I want you to know that there’s no hard feelings.  It’s business afterall – we can still go for drinks.

  1. #1 by Richard on August 11, 2011 - 4:31 pm

    I cultivated your comments by generating text in this nicely formed text box. I’ve probably halved something or other though. But I judged that it was a worthwhile improvement and budgeted some time for it.

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