Ok so the telephone calls have been coming in again.  Most of them are just creepy breathers and I ‘ve no clue what these people get from the call.  Perhaps they’re dissapointed because I have the speaking voice of a teenager with a cold and I can’t think of anything witty to say to nothing and so they hang up.  A call that I would throw into the ‘breathers’ category, though it had words in it, went like this:



RC: Hello, who is this calling?

Erm, this is you.  calling me.  My name is Benedict?

RC:  I’m sorry I’ve got the wrong number.


RC: <click>


There is the possibility that it was a wrong number but since I’ve never once had a wrong number call my phone in all ten years of having one and I had seven breather calls yesterday and there were momentarily hesitant noises coming from the other end as if my lady caller were scratching for something to say,  I don’t see it.

I had a call from a very nice man called Nick who works for the media firm EMP.  In lieu of a ‘hello’ Nick read me a long list of celebrities (inc. Lorraine Kelly (!) and Gok Wan) from memory.  He liked the CV so much he took it upstairs to his MD to give him a good hoot.  I imagine Nick climbing the stairs w/ CV in hand, an excited look on his face and I am sorry because a good hoot was not had and I think Nick got told off and sent downstairs and made to ring me and tell me that horseshit isn’t an acceptable word to send to a stranger and that closing your eyes and pretending you’re Darth Vader – fun as it is (“it’s something we all do”) – is not relevant to a single job on earth.  I didn’t feel like arguing the point.  I am sorry to Nick for getting him in any trouble since he rang with what seemed like genuine concern for my wellbeing and if you ever see Nick in the street you could maybe give him a high-five for being a real life human being in a world of toads.

Another call came from an RC who, for the sake of appearances, we are going to call Ruth.



Ruth: Hello is that Benedict?


Ruth: Hello is that Benedict?

Yes, sorry, speaking.

Ruth: Hello Benedict, this is Ruth from I———P

Right yes hello Ruth, how’re you?

Ruth: I’m fine Benedict – we received your application this morning, do you have a few seconds to chat about it?

Yes sure, go ahead.

Ruth: Right well it says on your CV that you work well with young people is that right?

It says that I work well with young people?  On my CV?

Ruth: Yes.

Well erm, I mean I do like working with kids, I’m very popular with the under 12s, but I don’t think I put that on the CV, I…

Ruth: It says that you are good at taking orders from people who are younger than you.

Conspicuously younger, yes!

Ruth: Yes, and so can you take orders from any other people?

Yes! I’ll take orders from everyone I suppose.  I just find it a little more difficult the younger they are, not the younger they are – I’m happy to take orders from people until they’re about thirteen – the thirteen to twenty-two group I struggle taking orders from, does that sound reasonable?

Ruth: The Thirteen to fifty-two group.

No twenty-two, after that they’re fine.

Ruth: Right, so you can’t take orders from this age group?

No I struggle, I still do it – it just hurts a bit more.

Ruth: Right Benedict that’s great, now there’s a bit in the CV about biscuits – is it just stem-ginger or will you have others?

I like chocolate, but stem gingers are a bit special aren’t they?

Ruth: I suppose they are, how about Rich Tea?

Rich Teas are a poor man’s biscuit.

Ruth: Yes I agree with you there.

Do you have any biscuits?

Ruth:  (ignoring the last question) And it says on the CV that you’ve got a girlfriend with nine letters in her name.


Ruth: Would you consider having a girlfriend with less letters?

How many letters?

Ruth: Eight.

Is there an actual girl there with Eight letters?

Ruth: Yes.  Georgina.

And is Georgina on the market?

Ruth: Yes.

Well anyway no, I feel like I’d be taking a step backwards if I went for any less.  Nine is good.

Ruth: That’s a shame.

Does Georgina have an email?

Ruth: Well, um, yes, it’ll all be in the information we send to you.

What was your company called again?

Ruth: I’ve got to go now Benedict.  It was very nice talking to you.

Oh, it was very nice talking to you!


What I liked best about Ruth was that though she delivered everything deadpan  you could still tell she was having a real good time.  Good on her.

I’ve also been receiving a million emails that look just like this email:

I ALWAYS request feedback and almost NEVER get any so I thought I’d just up and zero in on their claim that they’d contact me if anything came up:

This exercise doubling up usefully as a kind  dream-job-brainstorming-workshop  (the remainder of the list having a little party down there in the footnotes*).

Also, today (current huh?) I got an ‘appointment’

They have read the CV and they have rung me and they have arranged an appointment and they have a marble entrance and they might not be able to spell ‘storey’ properly but they want to see me and I am excited.  I hope it’s not a police sting.  More on this tomorrow –  floors do not mop themselves, I found out the hard way.

We don’t talk about D_____i in my house anymore.


*Child Catcher








Rapier wit

General Hanger-on

Blood donor


Rear Gunner


Knight of the Round

Sandwich Artist

Search Engine Engineer


Carolus Magnus

Professional Mourner




Great Dane


Birth Attendant

Toad in the hole

Home shopping host


Chicken Sexer


Shadowy Official




Barber Surgeon.

Barefoot doctor


Child Life Specialist

Orderly Orderly

Medicine Man


Toad Doctor


Licensed behavior analyst

Nurse Ratched



Associate Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States

Bounty hunter

Devil’s advocate


Special master




Distinguished Visiting Professor



Constructive Critic




On to INTERVIEW 1 PT. 1?

  1. #1 by Ant Innit on August 5, 2011 - 2:47 pm

    Wow! Good luck for Monday – I hope its not some kind of pyramid selling scam or something. People can be so cruel

    • #2 by curriculum vitiate on August 5, 2011 - 3:55 pm

      If I come home the owner of a pyramid I shall think myself quite clever.

  2. #3 by Tom on August 12, 2011 - 7:35 pm

    Minor misspelling on Plebologist, I eagerly went to Wikipedia hoping to find something on the study of Plebs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plebian) only to be disappointed. A phlebologist doesn’t sound nearly as fun…

  3. #4 by A Harlot on September 13, 2011 - 9:26 pm

    Rattopoika? Ready to relocate to Helsinki, are you now?

  4. #5 by Pyry on September 19, 2011 - 1:41 pm

    I’d so hire you as a rattopoika if I had money to. But I am just a poor student. Good luck with finding a job!

  1. Seven « Curriculum Vitae

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