Four

Will Writer, Compliance Co-ordinator, Complaints Handler*, Global Head of Managed Risk Services Fraud, Swim Lifeguard, Physician in Charge**, Urology Sales Representative, High End Numisamatic*** Sales, SHORT TERM and PART TIME ARMED GUARDS, B2B Sales…

Business to Business sales!

When I receive rejection emails I always write straight back to the employer to ask how I could improve future applications.  I try and make the request sound bright and friendly so that they’ll think that I’m a real human being like they are.  Because I am, generally speaking.

Janice from Interaction Recruitment responded to one such request:

Forthright and Personal?

Aren’t these qualities yankee dollar in the world of recruitment?

A whole new CV? 

Reader I want you to know that I’m not always above a low blow.  I was upset that she suggested I buy a CV.  I got caught up in the moment and if she hadn’t blocked my email account I’d apologise to Janice.  And in her advice that I rewrite the CV in a ‘more professional, business oriented manner” she might have identified the reason why I haven’t been invited to a single interview despite applying for an unholy amount of jobs****.  This requires some thought though and I’ll get back to you.

In the mean time, some responses are rays of sunshine and warm hearted and well written and make you want to marry Bryony:

I understand Bryony is married.  Which is a shame.  But this isn’t about upgrading to a partner who shares my own sober and 100% correct assessment of my excellent capacities (and is maybe willing to repeat said assessment at bedtimes).

This is about finding a job:

I have applied for every one.

Assuming that ‘French Teacher’ requires as much French language as a TEFL does English and that ‘Pashto’ is a special kind of pasta I have enough faith in my own personal skill-set to be able to say: “I don’t expect you and I will be corresponding for much longer” with a degree of certainty.

Still no word from the junior I.T. folder.

STILL no word from Danniii.  How many emails does a girl need to put together a respectable harassment case?

__________________________________________________________

*  This, complaints handler, being the one that led to the call where I was told off for swearing on the CV – I handled the complaint in an impeccably professional manner and sent the consultant another copy of the CV with ‘PROFANITY’ in lieu of ‘horseshit’, ‘shit’ and ‘FUCK OFF’.  I think my polished handling of the call might go some way toward landing me the interview and I am waiting to hear back.  If you too are offended by the nature of the language in the CV feel free to contact me and I’ll send you the anodyne version, gratis.

**  Physician in Charge: I think I have decided I would like a job whose title makes it completely clear that I am ‘in charge’.

***  High End Numisamatic Sales: sic, but probably ‘numismatic’ and about selling collectable coins that you can’t use as cash money.

****  I was told by a man who gets paid to write CVs, someone pays him to write CVs,  that the strength of a CV is determined by:

number of applications / number of interviews,

The nearer your result to 1, the stronger your CV.  So that if Rajesh applies for ten jobs and gets five interviews his CV scores an impressive 2 and good luck with your interviews Rajesh!  Be yourself and everything will be fine.  When we work out the strength of my CV – conservative estimates suggest that I have applied for four hundred jobs and have got zero interviews – so we have:

400/0

and:

On to پنځه  ?

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  1. #1 by Jon on July 29, 2011 - 10:22 pm

    Jon likes this

  2. #2 by Ben on August 4, 2011 - 12:24 pm

    You sir have done it again, good job. I’m still staving off disillusionment, just about.

  3. #4 by Kate Graham on December 3, 2011 - 10:51 pm

    this is my favourite… Im a maths teacher..

    you should do a PGCE and teach Personal Social and Health Education, along with citizenship..
    you will be great at it…

    the kids are great..as ever..

  4. #5 by Jane on January 10, 2012 - 8:48 pm

    you’re bloody hilarious. someone should hire you to write a newspaper column or something. or maybe one of those teenage magazine agony aunt type things…

  5. #6 by Petra on January 19, 2012 - 11:14 am

    Hell, I’d pay you to write my CV. *bows*

  1. Three « Curriculum Vitae

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