The CV

Personal Statement

My name is BENEDICT LE GAUCHE and I was born on 02/05/83 which makes me 28 and ripe as a lemon. I’m looking for a job I’ll like.  As a man of integrity I’m not about to try and give you the impression that all the jobs I’ve had previously were brilliant learning experiences tailor-made to equip me for precisely the job I’m applying for (hello you) when in reality they have been, for the greater part, boring and drudgerous and disheartening.  I should state I was not bad at them.  The capacity to bear such trials whilst retaining an at-most-times sunny disposition might be called something like ‘the ability to work under pressure’.  Yes.  I wasn’t bad.  I was good in fact – I can’t think of a job I wasn’t good at. (I can: a call centre job at a company called GOVNET – ‘a communication tool that government uses to communicate with the third sector’ and home to the most disastrous horseshit I’ve had the pleasure of peddling, commercially.) So, but via some kind of weird pride or fear of being disliked I have hitherto been inspired to perform above averagely for every company I’ve ever worked for and believe that I can harness this same fear in the furthering of your company goals.  Who knows? I might even like the job!  Though this is statistically improbable. Some short sentences about me:  I excel at customer service – really fly, you should see.  I can lift more than it looks like I can lift.  I like working on my own if there isn’t anyone fun to work with but can also stand the company of people I hold in contempt and am, in this sense, versatile.  I can work incredibly long hours, and will work for very little money.  I have ginger hair and for a lot of people this is a talking point.  Sometimes I do not feel like I am completely in control of myself and I have to pinch myself very hard.  I like the great outdoors.  As of the 11th January 2011 I am free from all venereal disease.  Thanks for taking the time out to read my application.  I’ve tried my best to be honest.  I really excel at customer service and do, through great force of will and habit, hide the worst of my qualities.

Work History

Cleaner/Caretaker;  The Women’s Organisation, Manchester ;  11/08/2010 – Present

Duties include:  Working out how dirty I can let the building get without Lisa complaining and then cleaning to this exact standard.  Composing lewd/crass emails to Alison.  Enjoying the reversal of gender stereotypes.  Pride swallowing.  Key holding.

Host:  Zion Arts Centre, Manchester; 02/02/2011 – 28/07/2011

Moving chairs from one place to another place.  Tables, sometimes.  I sat on the front desk.  I colleced printouts from the office which is 300 meters away from the desk and I brought them back.  When people passed the desk and made little jokes in a kind of we’re-in-this-together spirit I laughed even if the jokes were not at all funny.  This made me feel hollow.  I tried to fill the hollow by eating stem ginger biscuits that I stole from the cafe.  The biscuits were delicious but they did not fill the hollow.  Duties included:  Checking that the toilets were still there and that it was ok in them, still.  Keeping a log of this information on an A4 that was taped to the back of the toilet door.  Taking orders from people who are conspicuously younger than me.

Copywriter ; Tailormydesign.co.uk, the internet ;  July 2010

Duties included:  Writing about fabrics and tailoring like they were something I thought were exciting and meaningful.  Researching the exact tone of condescension invariably used in the Q&A sections of trendy fashion websites and overcoming an astonishing sense of dread in order to copy seven shades of shit out of exactly this tone.  Wondering whether I preferred prostitution of the mind or of the body.  Wondering whether this made me a writer.  Wondering when it would end.

Waiter/Barista/Kitchen Porter ; Koffee Pot, Manchester ;  I did this job like five times in 2010

Duties included: Washing up until somebody told me it was time to wash the floor.  Washing floors.  Pretending I was cooler than I am and that I was ok with all this washing up.

Commis Chef ; Stock Restaurant, Manchester ;  28/09/2009 to 15/12/2009

Duties Included:   The preparation and presentation of fine-dining dishes.  Intimate acquaintance with panic.  Embracing with grace and good cheer being called ‘Julie’  by most of my colleagues.  Teamwork.  Because I personally went in to resign instead of anonymously skulking off I was commended for my bravery and forthrightness though I really only went in to collect my ipod and my terrifyingly sharp knife.

Telephone Guy ; GOVNET, Manchester ; 15/8/2009 to 28/8/2009

Duties included:  Pretending to be on the phone.  Joining my irrevocably compromised colleagues in the morning chorus of ‘I’M GOING TO SELL SELL SELL (my soul)!’.  Trying to work out what it was the company did and what part of that I was supposed to be doing.  Hiding.

Bookseller ; Blackwell University Bookshop, Manchester ; 01/06/2006 to 10/12/2008

Where I was kept on after temping because I was more than willing to share my social time / pass notes on Belle and Sebastian with the full-time staff.  My meteoric rise to ‘Fiction Buyer’ – I was for a time featured on their website as an ‘expert’ – was tempered only by my devil-may-care attitude toward punctuality and what was termed in meetings with management as my ‘attitude problem’ (FUCK OFF).  Having achieved a dream I attributed après coup to my traumatic childhood at such a tender age (the dream of being able to buy ‘all of the books’) I withered on the publishing vine and hit the bottle.  I eventually left, to Denmark, in pursuit of dubious love.  Duties included:  Daily use of the full suite of Microsoft Office programmes.  For two years.  So now I can’t look at a latticed window without seeing, in my mind’s eye, Excel and everything that follows.

Weekend bookseller ; Books Etc. Manchester Printworks (now a Cafe Rouge) ; 02/08/2005 to 20/12/2005

Where I ignored signs that the world of bookselling was not quite as I’d pictured it in my dreams (signs included: Simon’s cadaverous skin and desperate smell.  Eve’s quiet fury at how unlike the dream of youth real-life-retail-maturity had turned out to be.  And Richard’s faltering attempts to allay this same fear and same desperation by writing plays that no-one ever performed, no-one ever saw, drunk, as was I, on the promised authority of the author over his and all possible worlds.).  Duties included:  Cashing up.  Data input.

Retail man ; NEXT, Market Street Lancaster ; 06/09/2001 to 01/02/2003

Duties included:  Resisting the desire to fold my arms.  Resisting the desire to yawn.   Resisting the desire put either of my hands into either of my pockets.  Resisting the desire to scream aloud.  I learned how to separate women who’re clutching with their dear lives to the same knitwear without ruining the knitwear.   Learned how to dress wounds.  Learned what it means to be a man (thanks Wendy).

Education // Trainings

Customer Service Certification ; Mary Gober International ;  June 2007

After a two day course in a hellhole hotel deep in suburban Leeds my self-satisfaction is up from 46% to 79% and number of written complaints I receive down from 400 to 35 (all statistics in line with their website[1])

BA (hons) Philosophy (2:1) ; Manchester Metropolitan University ; 06/06/2002 to 06/07/2006      

Pointless.

A levels, English Language (C), English Literature (C) Mathematics (D) ; Preston College, Preston ; 06/06/1999 to 06/07/2001                          

I learned that I was not nearly as clever as I’d always assumed I was.  A difficult pill to swallow.

GCSEs in all manner of subjects (4xA, 2xB, 3xC and 1xD ); Garstang High School, Garstang, Lancashire ; 1994 – 1999

So unfathomably long ago that I can remember only vague scenes and almost certainly nothing of value.

Extracurricular Pursuits

I read, I brood, I play squash, I collect Nina Simone and Fats Waller and Billie Holiday records because they are beautiful.  In order that the cheques do not stop I sometimes spend time with the family.  I like going to parties (If ever I sit next to you at a party it is likely that I will talk to you about the author David Foster Wallace in a way that you will find dreadfully boring and it is likely that you will start looking around in an increasingly frantic manner for your friends. I will be hurt by your obvious attempt to escape and I will most likely betray this hurt by rhythmically stroking my ironic tie).  I play the piano and the guitar.  Sometimes I’ll give a cigarette to a tramp.  I draw pictures of my friends and give them to them as birthday presents.  I like to close my eyes and pretend I am Darth Vader.  I pursue love and happiness like anyone else, with about the same level of success.

 Facts and Figures

  • Average time I stay in a job: 357 days
  • Average wage: £6.15p/h
  • My weight, as of June 2011: 56KG
  • Number of friends on Facebook: 289
  • Age at which I was 100% sure I’d passed puberty: 21
  • Average number of letters in my eight ex girlfriend’s Christian names: 5
  • Number of letters in current girlfriend’s name: 9
  • % of customers satisfied: 97% (up from 74% thanks to The Gober Method)

Some  Responses?


  1. #1 by Bex on July 28, 2011 - 11:37 am

    I worked at Govnet too! Lasted about 2 weeks for my soul to be utterly destroyed and i left a shadow of my former self with not a clue about what the company did or what i had been attempting to sell for the past fortnight! Brilliant CV, made me laugh! Bex

  2. #2 by Barry White on July 28, 2011 - 12:48 pm

    Cool story bro.

  3. #4 by sjldj on July 28, 2011 - 1:08 pm

    Absolutely fantastic, so depressing but yet so true.

    Keep up the work (well fingers crossed)

    • #5 by curriculum vitiate on August 4, 2011 - 9:33 am

      Thankyou Sean,

      Sorry that it’s depressing, I think there’s something really good about not pretending that it isn’t though.
      And it’s not all there is, something might sound a bit patronising, but which is easy to forget..

  4. #6 by Carrie on July 28, 2011 - 2:47 pm

    Your brutally honest, self-satisfied, cuttingly sarcastic wit is refreshing. I would definitely give you a job. Unfortunately, they don’t let me hire people’ I think it’s a trust issue. Good luck in your quest and know this, whatever job you find you will undoubtably hate…

    Have you thought of cartooning your blog? This would make a great cartoon for grown-ups, people would relate.

    x

  5. #7 by richard on July 31, 2011 - 3:51 pm

    good work ruddiger,id certainly hire you

  6. #8 by cocoandcake on August 2, 2011 - 2:00 pm

    Benedict this has made my afternoon, day, and probably week. I currently work at a CV writing company and I would absolutely love if I got to look at CVs like yours every day. With your wit, sarcasm and absolute gift for words you will get a job one day.

    You should just write stuff all the time and see if there are other blogs/ websites you could possibly bless with your talent, continue to get noticed; this already seems to be working in your favour!

    Best of luck for the future and I’ll be tweeting this on the work’s Twitter.

    Merci beacoup.

    P.S. Great taste in music.

    • #9 by curriculum vitiate on August 4, 2011 - 9:43 am

      THANKS THANKS THANKS

      I’m totally abashed.

      THANKS THANKS THANKYOU.

  7. #10 by wishingonapanda on August 18, 2011 - 1:18 pm

    I enjoyed this a lot.

    I am also lucky enough to have received certification from Mary Gober International (same dingy hotel in Leeds, 2007; different Blackwell’s). I even received a small cuddly seal for my efforts (the Gober Seal of Approval – witty; hilarious). Sadly, I have since lost it.

  8. #11 by Ant Innit on August 25, 2011 - 5:49 pm

    I’m not sure “Status of relationship: Open to enquiries.” shows a level of commitment employers are looking for. I don’t think I would employ someone who is almost actively looking to cheat on their girlfriend. I had a job to offer you as well there, you’ve blown it…

  9. #12 by Mike K on August 31, 2011 - 5:55 pm

    Still giggling 24 hrs. after receiving this CV. Most amusingly the position applied for was for a Graduate Engineer. Hope Benedict “Leftie” will find a position as comedy writer and spice up Channel 4 Friday Night Comedy,

    • #13 by patriciao on September 15, 2011 - 12:59 pm

      from my experience in temping in scores of offices throughout London, most of the married or partnered personnel were cheating on their home partners. Not a reason to withhold a job offer.

  10. #14 by Helen on September 4, 2011 - 6:40 pm

    I would most definitely employ if only for my own amusement but sadly I’m not an employer(or even an employee). In view of the lack of responses I have been receiving you have encouraged me to spice up my own CV just for the hell of it.

  11. #15 by Zulu Echo Romeo Oscar on September 4, 2011 - 7:55 pm

    Are you the reason all the book shops in Manchester have gone?

  12. #16 by spoonfarmer on September 13, 2011 - 9:54 am

    this has made my day!
    you should create a CV writing consultancy business
    you could offer a resignation letter service

  13. #17 by Adele on September 13, 2011 - 11:17 am

    Pure Class – a genius

  14. #18 by GORE TECH on September 13, 2011 - 2:40 pm

    Hey its your CV! your only degrading your self when passing over a sheet that says “Works well in a team and on my own” and other such comman phrases as “Hard Working” and “Excellent Communication Skills” its the equvilant of pressing your tits against the glass windows in the red light district hoping to get a client.

    Honesty is the best Policy! and in that sense everything that isnt strictly true is a lie. I dont want to employ Liars.

  15. #19 by isabelladesouza on September 13, 2011 - 3:43 pm

    As a fellow writer, you have talent. Your way with words is a poetry in itself. Why not go beyond the world of CVs and actually write poetry. It sounds as if you have enough material :) and it also sounds as if your best job was in a book shop. There is a romance about you and your CV. Don’t stop doing what you are doing!

  16. #20 by Rob Mo on September 13, 2011 - 4:10 pm

    Having written so many versions of my own CV I found yours to be inspired, and, in turn, inspire me to become more creative with my approach. Thank you for sharing this. Best of Luck

  17. #21 by Shel on September 14, 2011 - 6:56 am

    Well thank you. I was planning on sending my kids to Lancaster Grammar but you have opened my eyes to Garstang High. Wish you the best of luck with finding an employer who appreciates your integrity.

  18. #22 by Trevor's Myth on September 14, 2011 - 8:08 am

    Do something with the Philosophy Degree. You could easily string out this CV into a Phd. Nice work.

  19. #23 by A.Gath on September 14, 2011 - 8:32 am

    That was mega, It described most of us, its very real, we get to an age were we are stuck and its hard work just coping watching rich people enjoying sun baked holidays and fast cars,eating out and money in the bank…………………..wish it was me ;-(

  20. #24 by now then on September 14, 2011 - 9:50 am

    You should be a writer, write a book, I think you could do it.

  21. #25 by MsG on September 14, 2011 - 9:58 am

    I loved your CV., the honesty, wit and humour really made me smile. I would agree you probably have a future as a writer. My suggestion to you would be to expand this blog, to include your poetry or musing as let your CV bring the people.

    Good luck
    MsG

  22. #26 by Gabi on September 14, 2011 - 10:39 am

    I just read your CV. It’s better than how it is portrayed in this article. It’s fantastic! You are extremely witty, intelligent and of course honest! So, if I was interviewing you (which I would after reading your cv – just to meet you) I would ask you if you honestly think this job is for you, and if you answered yes, then the job would be yours!

    I hope to hear lots more about you! … or from you; author or stand up!

  23. #27 by Gabi on September 14, 2011 - 10:41 am

    Sorry.. it’s better than how it’s portrayed in the metro news article

  24. #28 by Christine Elspeth MacGregor on September 14, 2011 - 5:20 pm

    I’d hire you. If you’re ever in Quebec….

  25. #29 by dave webster on September 15, 2011 - 8:54 pm

    beautiful- i’m gonna go re-write mine now, can’t have any less luck than with the current one! i’ll put a word in for you if i ever find something for myself…

    • #30 by Lisa K Emms (@LisaEmms) on December 4, 2011 - 2:11 pm

      Sad fact: I live in an area of social deprivation, where 40% are on benefits. I was advised to take quality qualifications off my CV and add a few spelling mistakes. I was not happy with the result, but by the way, Im now gainfully employed. It worked..

  26. #31 by Sami on September 16, 2011 - 3:53 am

    You wrote so brutally honest CV as I would like to write if I only had enough balls. I hope Karma will make an exception with you and makes sure honesty does pay.

  27. #32 by ludd72 on September 16, 2011 - 2:36 pm

    Love it – having just had a number of useless sets of feedback from a number of companies I’m tempted to replace my online cvs with something similar just to see if any of the agencies actually read them or just search by keywords…

  28. #33 by bob_the_palindrome on September 19, 2011 - 6:13 pm

    Still VD free, i hope.

  29. #34 by kimberley on September 19, 2011 - 11:58 pm

    this is hilarious!! you should be a comedian or a writer. it made me laugh out loud many times because the tone is dry and witty without being pretentious. it is funny without being offensive. i think with your ironic and self depracating nature you would be a pleasure to work with!! good luck :)

  30. #35 by Deb Chasteen on September 24, 2011 - 3:20 pm

    Fabulous. Dear lower-case god, please give me the nerve to enter “key holder” to my list of duties at my current position. Well done; write more!

  31. #36 by jenny on October 20, 2011 - 9:38 pm

    Benedict though you are ginger you never fail to amuse me, and i can only apologise for the little game i made you play in your teens – though i feel this has helped make you the man you are today Jenny

  32. #38 by Crush th Weak on December 1, 2011 - 6:59 pm

    Fantastic! Though I wouldn’t say Philosophy was pointless, I studied it too. The ability to pontificate and be critical of things (even though philosophy probably died 300 years ago), means that while complacent ‘yes-men’ will go on to believe all the bullshit ideology of the workplace, you won’t. I tell you now, if someone is truly passionate about sales, they need to be checked into a mental institution or get a bloody life – Of all the lovely things to be passionate about: partying, watching tv, philandering, sleeping or gaming etc. The man/woman who nominates sales, has had a strange upbringing indeed. You sir, will be able to hold onto your soul through thick and thin, whilst others will trade it in for CEO bumfluff on their lips. Cheers and God bless.

  33. #39 by Martin Smith on December 2, 2011 - 9:38 pm

    This is hilarious.

  34. #40 by Nikki Knight on December 2, 2011 - 9:45 pm

    This is brilliant!! Made me laugh so much!!!

  35. #41 by Nathan Turner on December 2, 2011 - 9:45 pm

    Just saw this/you on Have I got News For You and had to have a peek!

    Too brilliant for words!

    If I could afford you I’d hire you in a shot. Don’t stop your writing, tis a gift you have there!

    Best,
    N

  36. #43 by James on December 2, 2011 - 9:50 pm

    just goggled you after watching have I got news for you……..You have made it now………so many options……now where do you go!

    No better feeling than laughing (I’m inexperienced in life)….thanks

  37. #44 by Jacey on December 2, 2011 - 10:00 pm

    Welcome to the real world! I don’t think you’re supposed to enjoy work. Really admire your ability to put up with people you hold in contempt. Love, best wishes, good luck mate.

  38. #45 by Georgina on December 2, 2011 - 10:04 pm

    I wish that some of the CV’s and application forms I’ve had to read in the past were as funny as this one, as opposed to poorly written, semi-illiterate crap that has reached my in tray.

  39. #46 by Patricia Laing (@patricia_laing) on December 2, 2011 - 10:04 pm

    Love you.

  40. #47 by go@away.com on December 2, 2011 - 10:37 pm

    Omg, funniest thing I’ve read in years – how sad is that? Go get a stand up slot at a comedy theatre and never look back! Best of luck…

  41. #48 by Lorna, Ninja Business Analyst (retired) on December 2, 2011 - 11:00 pm

    Possibly the best thing to come out of Garstang since the number 40 bus, or my 7th great grandfather James Sturzaker. But tell me, where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?

  42. #49 by Story on December 3, 2011 - 2:10 am

    Fantastic! :)

  43. #50 by Stuart C Palmer on December 3, 2011 - 8:20 am

    Funny, textured but too long sadly for the intended job it has to do. But then you probably wrote it more for the cathartic effect as opposed to sales effect?

  44. #51 by Terry Tibbs on December 3, 2011 - 8:51 am

    Fantastic sunshine! Keep keeping it real. Someone, somewhere will have the balls to offer you a job. All you have to ask yourself is, do you really want it? I have no doubt you will answer that question with total and brutal honesty. Much love.

  45. #52 by Tom Young on December 3, 2011 - 11:26 am

    Well written sir! I will happily give you a job in Bristol in the new year. You are just the sort of sarcastically eloquent kind of person I enjoy employing, as it makes the nauseating repetitiveness if daily routine seem, somehow, slightly more tolerable!

  46. #53 by lemme on December 3, 2011 - 11:59 am

    Like the honesty. Perhaps you should become an MP or politician. They appear to enjoy their jobs to. Lmao.

  47. #54 by Philippa Creed on December 3, 2011 - 12:32 pm

    Totally and utterly brilliant ……. Script Writer perhaps??

  48. #55 by Jim on December 3, 2011 - 1:58 pm

    Deffinately a fun and tallented writer … possible jobs for 2012

    Fringe festival bottle washer
    Olympic batton holder (think darth vader)
    The amber light of the A40 north circular junction traffic signals
    or maybe
    Best newcomer C4 comedy awards … keep up the hunt and remember always spell it with a H.

  49. #56 by Emma on December 3, 2011 - 2:03 pm

    i love you

  50. #57 by patricia crowley on December 3, 2011 - 3:25 pm

    Dear Benedict
    I do so hope that the outcome of your wonderful cv’s publicity is the offer of the job of your dreams.
    I don’t know if the job I’m offering you is to your taste but here goes……
    Your duties would be to amuse me with your wit, please me with your beauty, tea and coffee making, light conversation, occasional deep conversation, music reccomendation, current dance tuition, fashion guidance and shoulder and foot massage, a little light garden maintenance,shopping and companionship.
    Hours and remuneration to be negotiated.
    Should this position not be what you’re looking for I wish you good luck in your search and thank you for the laugh.

  51. #58 by Feud on December 3, 2011 - 3:48 pm

    Excellent, and exemplary CV, Benedict. You call no man mister and take no prisoners. It’s a horrible world out there and your experiences of interviews echo with me. My best was in the late 80s, when I got an interview with the BBC. Travelled down all the way from Manchester. One of the other candidates looks me up and down and smarmed: “Hi, I’m Tarquin.” “Hi, I’m not,” I said. Tarquin got the job.

  52. #59 by Ann on December 3, 2011 - 8:13 pm

    Expect to see you hosting Have I Got News For You in the near future.

  53. #60 by CzarChasm on December 3, 2011 - 8:39 pm

    Really hope the publicity leads to the job you deserve. Excellent writing style- witty, cutting, satirical and brutally honest.

    If you write a book, I promise to buy it and I’d be glad to sit next to you at a party- make a change from the usual tedious tripe that most people come out with at such events.

    Well done!

  54. #61 by Kate Graham on December 3, 2011 - 10:36 pm

    write the cv up as a one man play and bring it to Edinburgh for the festival…
    if you cd talk anyone into doing some interview scenes it could be brilliant…
    I would certainly come and see it..
    good luck with paying the bills mate..

  55. #62 by tinkersong on December 3, 2011 - 10:40 pm

    Saw your CV referenced on HIGNFY and let Google do the rest.

    What a breath of fresh air your CV, attitude and self-deprecating honesty have been. Made me smile.

    I’m sure the world would be a much more interesting place if all CVs were this honest.

    Good for you. And good luck

  56. #63 by dave on December 3, 2011 - 10:57 pm

    if i had a job i would hire you. You show an unique form of sincerity that modern job applications fail to achieve

  57. #64 by moi on December 4, 2011 - 12:45 am

    ‘Pride swallowing’. That really ought to be on most job descriptions…

    Perhaps you could do a job description next? Your ideal job.

    SO funny, you talented fucker, you.

  58. #66 by Julie Whiting on December 4, 2011 - 4:13 am

    Loved it!! Hope your brutal honesty lands you the job of your dreams x

  59. #67 by Ian Radcliffe on December 4, 2011 - 12:03 pm

    That is the best CV I have ever read. And I have read LOADS.
    When I revamp my website, you are doing the copy.

  60. #68 by beirutbeats on December 4, 2011 - 1:18 pm

    This is rather superb.

  61. #69 by Angela on December 4, 2011 - 1:29 pm

    Ah, I want to do your laundry.

  62. #71 by Lisa K Emms (@LisaEmms) on December 4, 2011 - 2:06 pm

    If these CV’s are fictional then: VERY FUNNY, the sad thing is that they could be selected from real job applicants.. Anybody want to help me write mine, Im sure it is not as bad as these, although there is always room for improvement.

    ps. Love all the QR- codes here, but why use them online? The point of them is off line, to online convergence?

  63. #73 by tvscriptwriter on December 4, 2011 - 3:22 pm

    That’s some of the best writing I have seen all day. And I spent much of my day editing scripts at one of the world’s biggest television news channels.

  64. #74 by Karla on December 4, 2011 - 4:18 pm

    This is awesome. I have a bit of a crush on you now.

  65. #75 by spottybum on December 4, 2011 - 11:18 pm

    since reading this, I have discovered a spot on my bum – are you sure you are disease free?

    • #76 by curriculum vitiate on December 5, 2011 - 1:15 pm

      I’m good from January, that’s all I can say.

      Also I wasn’t told by a doctor but by a receptionist who wrote ‘all clear’ on a post-it and nodded enthusiastically at me.

      He had a queue but I’ve never been 100% confident about the whole thing.

  66. #77 by Phyll on December 4, 2011 - 11:23 pm

    Made me laugh out loud. First time for ages. Thank you.

  67. #79 by Neil Livingston on December 4, 2011 - 11:55 pm

    Ever filled in one of those self-assessment, online questionairre appraisal forms just before a “personal development” assessment with your boss?

    • #80 by curriculum vitiate on December 5, 2011 - 1:13 pm

      Yes I have Neil, though I’ve never filled in one as funnily as Ray from Blackwells who when asked what his goal was for the new year, replied ‘to deliver one million boxes’ and when asked where he sees himself in five years replied ‘in space’.

  68. #81 by Neil Livingston on December 4, 2011 - 11:59 pm

    Maybe you should apply to go on The Apprentice… once you sell the book, film and merchandising rights, you won’t need another job!

  69. #82 by dan on December 5, 2011 - 1:08 am

    I enjoyed the CV. The subsequent comments bored the tits off me.

  70. #83 by Sonni Hansen on December 5, 2011 - 1:46 am

    Very honest indeed!

  71. #84 by Rhys Davies on December 5, 2011 - 4:12 am

    just googled you after seeing “Have I got News for You”, Bloody Brilliant CV dude :)

  72. #85 by descantia on December 5, 2011 - 8:57 am

    Well done! :-D

  73. #86 by Charlie on December 5, 2011 - 10:40 am

    I’d love to work at my place. You’re superbly funny. Get in contact if you’re interested and I’ll whore you about to the boss’s.

  74. #87 by Kirstyn Wood on December 5, 2011 - 10:53 am

    Please start a resignation letter writing business? You’d rake it in doing exactly the brooding and evocative writing you’re clearly ace at. Also, I’d use your service to celebrate the end of every single shitty temping job I have to do!

  75. #88 by Martin on December 5, 2011 - 12:35 pm

    Around 1980 the ‘Henry Root Letters’ where a guy wrote spoof/wind-up letters to well known people and then published the letters with – if he got one – the reply were very funny/popular. Maybe you could do something similar with job applications. You’d have to tone it down a bit though to have more chance of taking people in.

  76. #89 by emily on December 5, 2011 - 1:48 pm

    I think I may now be in love with you.

  77. #90 by justin on December 5, 2011 - 5:16 pm

    That’s the best C.V I’ve ever read!

    ….Ps you’ve missed a ‘t’ out of ‘collected’ on the Zion Arts centre section : )

  78. #92 by ubique2uk (@ubique2uk) on December 5, 2011 - 8:32 pm

    Self employed is the way forward for you my friend – You have never and probably will never enjoy working for other people – I suggest you find something you enjoy in life, try to develop a level of competence/niche that will support you as a self employed individual.
    Don’t do as I have done and carry on with a belief that working for ‘the man’ will one day become okay because I know have dependents and it will take 13 more years for me to finish my escape tunnel. Ouch
    Follow me on twitter and get my followers to >10 by x-mas! #ubique2uk

  79. #93 by viv on December 5, 2011 - 8:39 pm

    Loved this..brought tears of laughter to my eyes. Shared on FB and G+ – think the whole Western Society would benefit from reading this. Thank you for sharing..I am more than sure good things come to those who stop – get out the rut – and take wings – this CV certainly does that. If I was a big company mogul I would hire you and pay you well to stay at home.

  80. #94 by Ellie on December 5, 2011 - 11:48 pm

    I’m shortlisting at the moment. Please apply!

  81. #95 by Peter on December 6, 2011 - 1:28 am

    So much attention to your CV, and so many letters of praise and support. Anyone actually offered you a job or an interview tho?

  82. #96 by Dot Com on December 6, 2011 - 4:43 am

    Get a life, loser!

    • #97 by Not Dom on June 9, 2013 - 11:54 am

      How ironic – lol

  83. #98 by Mjp on December 6, 2011 - 12:13 pm

    Benedict (if that is your real name), you have told my story of heart rending disappointment and abject horror at the state of my employment history by simply telling your own. You are therefore a legend and a hero.

    P.s you should write for a living

  84. #99 by david white on December 6, 2011 - 5:10 pm

    i’ve just finished watching hignfu. The bit about your c.v. left me crying it was so funny i had to see the rest of it. I second the point that someone else left, about you hosting the show, please do that soon and all the best of luck you’ve made it now

  85. #100 by Michaela Benz on December 6, 2011 - 6:17 pm

    Ha ha Brilliant!! Yep have been there done that!!

  86. #101 by Taff on December 6, 2011 - 8:20 pm

    It’s great – don’t know whether to laugh at how funny it is or to cry with the recognition that a lot of jobs are just like those on your CV.

    At the risk of exposing myself to flames, could I suggest you check out this site:

    http://www.jobsmanifesto.com

    It’s got 748 jobs in Greater Manchester although of course you won’t be able to apply for the brain surgery type of stuff. It’s free (… need to register to get to the actual jobs, but registration is one-off and your browser will remember on later visits). Best of all, all the jobs are deep, direct links to real, employer-advertised jobs, so you don’t have to deal with those pesky agencies or the bottom feeders they employ.

    Disclaimer: I wrote the site in a mad panic attack when I was looking for a job and none of the agencies would get back to me. I’m still looking for a job but not so manic now.

  87. #102 by Maria on December 7, 2011 - 2:02 am

    I, too, googled you after watching HIGNFY. What great writing. I hope there’s a good, fnancially/spiritually -enriching reason for the lack of posts recently. Good luck to you – it’s a hard and blustery world out there, with only occasional beams of sunshine breaking through.

  88. #103 by Farrah on December 7, 2011 - 12:43 pm

    The bit about the tie was the funniest. Oh how I laughed! Strangely enough, I’m doing an application myself right at this very minute. But it all seems a bit pointless now that everything is suddenly so hilarious. I hope I don’t press send right now. :/

  89. #104 by Fat Welsh Bloke on December 7, 2011 - 1:36 pm

    I have had to stop reading this I was laughing too much in work. Genius

  90. #105 by Nick Beckingham on December 7, 2011 - 2:38 pm

    Only have one question having read all of this head to toe…..Have you considered being a Jockey?

    • #106 by curriculum vitiate on December 8, 2011 - 2:37 pm

      I have ridden a horse exactly three times. It is weird sitting on such a big animal and pretending that you are in charge. The second time I rode bareback at a horsey girls house after having got horribly drunk. We were fifteen and she stood holding the horse by a rope and led it around in circles around her with me on the back. She was a capricious girl and made the horse canter and, though it was very funny, it was also very sore.

  91. #107 by John Dennehy on December 7, 2011 - 4:23 pm

    I laughed so hard at this that I nearly splattered coffee all over the screen. Note to self: finish drinking coffee before reading any more of it.

  92. #108 by Suzy on December 7, 2011 - 4:44 pm

    It reminded me of so many jobs I have done – I loved your comment about your degree “pointless”! I mentioned your strength about being able to stand to work with someone you held in contempt and they said “Well, you wouldn’t be able to write that!! Thank you – beautifully entertaining – I would employ you; if I were an employer!

  93. #109 by Jon Taggart on December 7, 2011 - 4:51 pm

    After a year of writing and editing cvs my wife and I came across yours (referenced on HIGNFY) We couldnt help but gush over every completely accurate word you say….I really hope that with a talent such as yours you get a small piece of the fame pie thats all too easy for talentless muppets to attain. You are a true wordsmith, I would absolutely illegally download any piece of work you had published either novel or otherwise and if you do “hit the big time” and you find yourself in the market for a fat twat sidekick, James Corden is readily available.

    Kudos

  94. #110 by Colin Newton on December 7, 2011 - 8:32 pm

    Quality

  95. #111 by Zannah Downs on December 7, 2011 - 8:39 pm

    This made me laugh out loud many times. I haven’t laughed like this in a while. Thank you, and well done – what a wonderful gift, to make people laugh.

  96. #112 by steven warner on December 7, 2011 - 9:51 pm

    Genius :)

  97. #113 by Ian on December 7, 2011 - 10:02 pm

    Absolutely fantastic. I once got an application form from a guy who said he had left Burtons the Tailor because he “wasnt suited”.

  98. #114 by Charlotte on December 7, 2011 - 10:41 pm

    I’ve been having an arguement with my boyfriend for an hour (read that as “not talking to my boyfriend cos he’s a prat sometimes”) and this has really cheered me up! Brutally honest, my kind of humour…love it! And I know how you feel about working in retail and not being able to fold your arms…so annoying!
    Hope you find a job you love one day. I randomly took up a college course 2 years ago after being stuck in a huge rut and now I love what I do. Best of luck x

  99. #115 by Best Ono Akpotive on December 8, 2011 - 8:45 am

    really very funny….wonder if it would work in niaja

  100. #116 by http://www.facupfinal2012tickets.co.uk/ on December 8, 2011 - 9:02 am

    Keep writing, mate, it’s good stuff. Could you write fictional CVs of famous people and politicians? I’d return to your website to read those. Maybe there’s a book in there…?

  101. #117 by Sandi on December 8, 2011 - 10:14 am

    Well done Ben – your mum told me that you had been mentioned on HIGNFY. I’m laid up in bed poorly sick and just had the best laugh for a long time. You should just write it all up in a book – bound to be a best seller. So many options now . . . . . . . . . . . lots of love & luck

    Sandra (married to Richard, your dad’s friend)

  102. #118 by Expat Gourmet on December 8, 2011 - 12:01 pm

    I have a 2.1 in Philosophy. You’ve had a much better career than I have

  103. #119 by Lily Bobcat on December 9, 2011 - 1:10 am

    You are actually a very witty writer with a concise grip of the English language and proper use of all grammar etc. You should get a job writing a column with a magazine! Send all viral links over to ALL magazines, everyone loves you…

  104. #120 by ILOVEMONKEYSANDBEARSANDCHICKENSANDCATS on December 9, 2011 - 3:15 pm

    LOVE IT

  105. #121 by P Saraff on December 9, 2011 - 3:43 pm

    Refreshingly honest and very amusing indeed. Why do us humans feel the need to play the game?
    We have turned into sheep….the pseudo pied piper is uncle sam and his tune is capitalism.
    Someone give me a latte! U used to be a barista didn’t u???
    Keep writing – hopefully u will be your own boss one day. X

    • #122 by curriculum vitiate on December 16, 2011 - 9:48 am

      We didn’t do Lattes.
      I was grateful.
      When I grow up I am going to invent the silent apple and the silent coffee machine.

  106. #123 by 101 Honeymoons on December 10, 2011 - 6:56 pm

    Good work. I actually did LOL which doesn’t happen very often these days.

    • #124 by curriculum vitiate on December 16, 2011 - 9:47 am

      Is that because you’ve been on so many honeymoons that you’ve become an expert on honeymoons, Alex?

  107. #125 by Frances Wood on December 16, 2011 - 2:31 pm

    dec out the c.v…

  108. #126 by nascent on December 17, 2011 - 5:58 pm

    Incredible cv, I wish I had the balls to do the same, but as I’m barely getting responses as it is, I think removing the sugar coating from my CV would result in certain homelessness.

  109. #127 by Kevin on December 30, 2011 - 9:00 pm

    Fine man, keep the faith you will get there or somewhere near by. Enjoy you life and put some effort into it but not to much, its tiring. Oddly enough I look like I should be able to lift a lot but I can’t.

  110. #128 by Ralph Southworth on December 31, 2011 - 1:30 pm

    I’ll bet that you have more than 300 Facebook friends now.

    I used to tell students that they were already doing their ideal next job: either directly (perhaps they enjoyed making furniture) or indirectly (perhaps they wrote a newsletter, played video games, enjoyed cycling, etc). If indirectly; then their ideal next job would make use of the personality traits and abilities used in their Interests.

    It is glaringly obvious, from this website, what some of your abilities and interests are. Make up that ideal job which you would enjoy and then look for it. That job IS out there.

    I, too, look forward to seeing you host Have I Got News For You.

  111. #129 by Fourfoot on January 4, 2012 - 8:12 pm

    I got frogmarched out of Govnet for “not meeting the expectations” of a new manager. It was his second day on the job. Most soul-destroying temp assignment ever!

  112. #130 by Nick on January 18, 2012 - 9:52 am

    Obvious question, but have you ever thought of working for yourself, Benedict?

  113. #131 by Andy on March 10, 2012 - 8:53 pm

    Wow , I loved your CV

  114. #132 by Yup on March 26, 2012 - 5:45 pm

    I’d hire this guy. He’s actually human….

  115. #133 by Ali on July 26, 2012 - 1:28 pm

    So brilliant, perhaps you could do a number of shitty jobs and write a blog about them. You have a good way with words, reminded me of a wiser ‘Adrian Mole’. Come to South Africa. There aren’t many jobs, but sarcasm is always welcome.

  116. #134 by Missmoo on July 26, 2012 - 3:52 pm

    Having spent 5 months bashing myself for not being able to STAND my temp job, I am released by your CV, not alone not alone not alone, is singing in my head, should now be able to survive that last month until freedom and unemployment, I can’t bloody wait! Thx

  117. #135 by Bluetoo on July 26, 2012 - 9:03 pm

    City supporter eh?…Dont answer…I already know you are. That kind of humour is well cultivated

  118. #136 by mshel on July 31, 2012 - 9:12 am

    Guffaw rofl etc..a fine piece of work! You so must be employed somewhere, possibly casually lounging, smoking a gauloise, dictating comedy sketches..

  119. #137 by gonzomorriarty on July 31, 2012 - 12:16 pm

    Great writing. You’ve made my day. Now to stare reproachfully out at the lonley pishy smelling grey faced bastards and await the next enquiry about iPods being diabetic safe

  120. #138 by permanentlybewildered on August 8, 2012 - 9:54 am

    Brilliant! Your sense of humour very much mirrors mine. I cried laughing, well done. Good luck finding a career you enjoy: please let me know the secret when you do. I’ve been looking for 35 years now with no joy.

  121. #139 by VCD on August 15, 2012 - 9:36 am

    Hilarious and clever!

  122. #140 by PHIL MOORE on August 15, 2012 - 5:27 pm

    I was sorry when it ended, very entertaining way too honest!

  123. #141 by Andy on September 19, 2012 - 4:57 pm

    Your a very honest chap and an exsample to the rest of us bored shitless muppets who drag ourselfs to mindless boring jobs every day in order to just borrow our wages before we then give them away again by way of bills, fags and alcohol.
    To work for ungreatfull arseholes who treat us with contempt and expect us to thank them for it, ask us to work unreasonable hours and weekends so they can have nice sunny holidays and drive cars much better than we drive.

    I like my job very much and my boss is a really nice guy.
    Can you detect the sarcasum in my words mmm can you ????

  124. #142 by Friv Games on October 7, 2012 - 10:01 am

    Have you found a job? If not, I think I know someone who can help you…and when I say he can help you..I mean he can really find you a job.

  125. #143 by Margarita on October 10, 2012 - 5:03 pm

    Awsome! Thank you

  126. #144 by Kris on January 18, 2013 - 7:12 am

    The deep honesty and overall tone of the CV reminds me of “The Catcher in the Rye”, but much more vulgar in language. I think the best job for you would be a writer.

  127. #145 by jeni on January 27, 2013 - 3:25 pm

    Fantasic! Love you! Still laughing now! Jeni

  128. #146 by Neil Fraser on January 27, 2013 - 7:37 pm

    What a fucking Legand, says it how it is brilliant. A think this guy should be a M.P Legand.

  129. #147 by Kim Huggett on February 9, 2013 - 1:04 pm

    an inspirational nincompoop of the highest order…much love

  130. #148 by Louis Bellhouse on May 17, 2013 - 10:41 am

    nina simone is so sassy

  131. #149 by Lyn. on July 22, 2013 - 11:58 pm

    I wish I were still at a job where I was hiring people – I”d give you my job.
    Let me know when your first book comes out – I want a signed copy!

  132. #150 by Mat on August 6, 2013 - 9:48 pm

    I wish some of the CV’s and cover letters I get were as funny as this it would make the days go faster

  133. #151 by Byo on August 10, 2013 - 1:33 am

    This is just hilariously brilliant.
    I actually linked via Le Grove Arsenal blog!

  134. #152 by KNOWHOW Recruitment on August 15, 2013 - 2:03 pm

    So so so funny cant believe its real…

  135. #153 by Alice on October 10, 2013 - 1:07 pm

    I thought you had stolen the story of my life….until I realized I did not have a BA in philosophy but two masters of Law…and that I would never be half as funny. What about languages? I can say ” I feel underachieved” in six.

  136. #154 by IHL on October 10, 2013 - 1:44 pm

    Based on his CV I’d like to employ this dude as my friend. The role comes with regular wage of well-meant whimsy with the potential bonus of an occasional beverage and baked goods for the right candidate.

  137. #155 by Willy on October 10, 2013 - 2:43 pm

    Can see how you got into proof reading. Your grammar is impeccable. Love the sense of humour. ‘WRITE A BOOK’. I’ll buy it. Not that one buyer will make you rich.

  138. #156 by Pette on October 19, 2013 - 5:39 am

    Hilarious!

  139. #157 by Lucy on November 10, 2013 - 9:47 pm

    Best CV ever!

  140. #158 by Morris Jeremiah Jordan on November 11, 2013 - 12:12 am

    Recently mentioned on Have I got News for You.
    Very Funny.

  141. #159 by PearlCool on December 5, 2013 - 9:15 am

    OMG reading first time this type of CV profile. Ben Multi-talented guy:)

  142. #160 by Jerran on January 31, 2014 - 9:17 am

    This is brilliant.

  143. #161 by funny on February 18, 2014 - 6:43 pm

    The most honest thing i have read in a while we all might think like this but what a laugh the employers must have got………by the way did anyone hire you ha

  144. #162 by jpofgwynedd on March 23, 2014 - 7:38 pm

    Groovy. Never let go of this attitude.

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