Reader, I have been busy. Here are some of the positions I have applied for:
Well Analyst, Women’s Football Coach, Data Uploading Executive, Asbestos Consultant, High Volume Data Entry Clerk, Chair in Experimental Particle Physics, Data Entry Administrator, Drug Safety Administrator, Collections Advisor, Deputy Food and Beverage Controller, URGENT! Customer Sales Advisor, Account Manager…
Account Manager! Yes, I had a response to that one. Danielle is a Sales Operations Manager who likes to spell her name in two different ways. She responded by asking the question a lot of people ask after they’ve seen the cv.
Thought 1: She is under the impression that the cv is some kind of ‘joke’ and is registering her dis-taste/belief that I sent it to her.
Thought 2: She can’t believe how good the cv is.
I’m an optimistic kind of fellow:
It is important to get the level of dress right in interviews – I did not want to turn up wearing knitware and boaters if the occasion called for a step collared single-button suit and risk making the kind of first impression that would have be difficult to change with my arresting and to-the-point answers to her interview questions.
After reading this the rest of Friday night’s caretaking shift was hard. Hard because I was hurt by Danniii’s tone. Hard because I didn’t know what ‘trolling’ was. I was so distracted I could not give the first floor toilets the 100% concentration they require and deserve. I had to take measures:
*
And, after nearly a week of lip-biting, this:
Nothing yet, but here’s to hoping.
Hmmmm, lets see…
Freight Account Manager, Automotive Service Advisor, Advertising Field Sales Maternity Cover, Buyer – Knitware, Executive Jet Broker, Spa Hotel Receptionist, TEMPORARY SWIMMING TEACHER, Dance/Cheerleading/ Gymnastics teacher, HAVE YOU SOLD TRAINING COURSES??, B2B Sales Executive, Telesales Manager, Telesales Executive, Lead Generator, Powersports Sales Manager, IT Expert,
IT Expert! Yes, I’d almost forgotten.
Isn’t Simon nice! Nice doesn’t get me a job though does it?
* I am about as pleased with the standard of proofreading in these emails as you are.
On to three?
Curriculum Vitae 
#1 by Maria on July 26, 2011 - 12:08 pm
You are my new hero. Keep posting!
#2 by Cesca on July 26, 2011 - 9:00 pm
Definitely a hero. Too bad most of the “Hero” jobs are neither secure nor well-paid. Hang in there.
#3 by curriculum vitiate on August 4, 2011 - 9:15 am
Thanks Cesca!
20-24K’s not bad huh?
#4 by Stimulating Minds on July 28, 2011 - 10:23 am
wow, i can’t believe Danniiii didn’t respond, some people can be so heartless, how does she sleep at night.
I wish i had a job appropriate for your skill base, I’m sure you would brighten the office no end (even if it was just the orange, sorry ginger, hair doing the brightening).
Hang in there, good things come to those who wait.
Cheers
#5 by curriculum vitiate on August 4, 2011 - 9:18 am
Thanks minds!
I’m going to speculate that Danniiii maybe has deep tissue chiatsu massage before each and every sleep and can’t drift off without it.
If any jobs DO come up in the office then I am composed entirely of ears.
#6 by richard on July 31, 2011 - 4:29 pm
I like Simon,hes a good egg! Dannii seems a bit of a sour-puss though
#7 by Dannii Lee on October 27, 2011 - 10:42 am
Hello,
This is Dannii, formally of Robertson Sumner 🙂 Yes, I was a sourpuss. The reason I didnt respond to your last email was as by that point I had left the company. It cut into my nail filling and rock climbing time – I jest of course… Most of my spare time is actually spent doing what most 24 year old girls enjoy doing outside of work… playing Gears of War (ok, maybe not all girls) and wishing very hard that a meteor would fall on my bosses head.
Benedict, I did find your email very amusing and brave… Unfortunately, hating my job as much as I did at the time meant that I had a short temper and little time for what I assumed was just someone ‘messing around’. I do apologise.
Good on you, and good luck.
Dannii/Danielle Lee
Formally of Robertson Sumner.
#8 by spoonfarmer on September 13, 2011 - 10:03 am
keep it coming, great stuff!
#9 by Redlilocks (swoon worthy) on September 22, 2011 - 7:59 am
There’s an opening at Trader for an account manager going… If I refer someone and they get the job, I get £500. If u get a permanent contract, I get another £500. So as you can see, there is a definite incentive for me. However, they tend to hire on personality more than skill level and I reckon you’d fit right in. I might even give you a cut cuz I’m generous like that. Drop me an email if this sounds even remotely interesting. You may not love the job but the money isn’t bad and there’s a lot of great people which makes it more than bareable.
Apologies for all the text speak, I’m writing this on my phone on a train on my way to London to go to an exhibition about Social Media. Not a bad way to spend a day out of the office.
#10 by James on December 2, 2011 - 9:43 pm
This is the only good thing ever to come from the Metro. A dreary POS, it has at least guided me to your blog. A worthwhile pursuit and I’m sure you will get many offers on the back of it alone.
Reading with every enjoyment – and wish you the very best in where this will get you.
#11 by Mike on December 3, 2011 - 1:28 am
…and today your CV made national television on Have I Got News For You.
Having watched the program tonight this had to be checked out. Very funny and very good, more of this sort thing should happen to us a daily basis to brighten up our days when our wonderful politicians and the likes make our lives seem so dreary. Keep up the good work 🙂
#12 by Club Vera on December 3, 2011 - 4:11 am
Most amusing. I’m keen to hear more on the tales from the mop…..
#13 by Stuart C Palmer on December 3, 2011 - 8:26 am
Benedict, a book deal is coming I feel sure of it. Given that `’they`’ (whoever they are) say that searching for a job is a job in itself it seems a shame that you are not being paid for it. You are a professional writer/philosopher (qualified no less) so you should be paid methinks for your entertaining of the masses. Why, pray, have Metro or the Evening Standard not signed you up for a daily column yet? Sure you would not get rich overnight, but it would be a start. Otherwise, do you have a Paypal account? Those of us who rate your rants should pony up some dosh methinks…
#14 by curriculum vitiate on December 5, 2011 - 1:42 pm
Thanks Stuart, very nice of you to say. And you don’t SOUND like a Paypal drone but one can never be to careful.
#15 by Kay on December 3, 2011 - 12:07 pm
This is brilliant.
Your wit really could be better used elsewhere!
Hang in there fella.
#16 by sanaas on December 4, 2011 - 2:25 am
Unfortunately in the UK, people have too many pent up issues like Daniiiii. I mean with a name like that you just have to feel sorry for her Ben. ‘Operations sales manager’ title also screams false sense of self importance. Poor girl.
#17 by curriculum vitiate on December 5, 2011 - 1:25 pm
Dannii, I’m afraid to report, is in the clear. She’s nice and she likes cats, I’ll um, I’ll show you once I’ve got the relevant permissions.
#18 by Joey Deacon on December 5, 2011 - 2:18 pm
Please keep them coming Benedict. It brightens up my otherwise dull day at the Captains Table Fish Bar, where I work as a spud peeler or as I like to call it an ‘Agricultural products preparation manager’
#19 by Darren Oates on December 6, 2011 - 9:36 am
Hi Ben, I noted that you actually have plenty of experience for working in IT Sales, try TalkTalk as your starting point and next Virgin Media and next Sky etc. work your way up the tree if you get my gist. Daz
#20 by curriculum vitiate on December 8, 2011 - 2:41 pm
I do?
#21 by vivienne on December 6, 2011 - 10:14 pm
Well done you..good to see your being pro-active….If you decide to sign on the dole they will be more than happy to see someone with such a conscience drive going for them. Oh yes, thanks for fresh supply of tears of laughter.
#22 by Mag on December 11, 2011 - 12:31 pm
Damn, if I still had my shop (which nose dived into the abyss of council business rates!) I’d offer you a job – mind you, you’d have had to put up with ‘squeeing’ teenage girls coming in to buy spangly jewellery – such a hardship to bear I know – but thoroughly entertaining.
#23 by revmacca on December 13, 2011 - 1:11 pm
rev;
head to Australia its sunny and warm . . . .
oh, and they have an economy here.
until china slows down.
still its sunny and warm (also fucking hot in Melbourne sometimes ish . . . )
and irony is in short supply.
loads of fucking hipsters though, you have been warned . . . .
its sunny and warm though . .
(is this a haiku, i can’t count . . . . )
#24 by curriculum vitiate on December 16, 2011 - 9:37 am
I can count and I don’t know if it’s a haiku either.
I think I would die if I went to Australia form the realisation that everything isn’t like Neighbours and it would be too hot.
I shall bear it in mind though.
#25 by andy on February 23, 2012 - 5:13 pm
Benedict, why are you not blogging for money – you are certainly worth it.
I will volunteer to write a reference for you for any job that may come along (the more unsuitable, the better).
I have mailed out a link to your cv to my contacts, all of whom pissed themselves laughing (well, the ones that bothered to reply did, anyway).
I would try BBC Newsjack (Radio4), Hattrick Productions, etc.- or just become a Tory MP…
=:-)
#26 by Juan pablo on October 11, 2012 - 1:12 pm
I know Wnonehat you are, you are and artist, maybe a poet, and and sure a potencial good writer
Juan colombia
#27 by Paul Needham on January 27, 2013 - 3:38 pm
Sir (& I use that title fittingly, I believe), it is truly wonderful to catch the light from someone such as yourself. Way, way too often, I find myself either maddened by people’s insensitivity, ignorance, emotional I capability, or just plain stupidity, so to come across someone using his mind, his wit, & the tools he finds to hand (i.e. the ‘net) is most refreshing, & certainly brought a few smiles to my face, so thankyou. I hope your torpid but clearly time-filling vocational life will continue to grant you the time necessary to carry on with your gifted scribblings; your honesty & humour, I’m sure, must make many people happy (though numbers, of course, aren’t everything. “eat shit, 6 billion flies can’t be wrong”,& all that). I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours, maybe one day we can even look forward to seeing you in print. I wouldn’t be at all surprised, or displeased. Yrs, Paul.
#28 by david wilson on January 27, 2013 - 10:59 pm
Benedict. Awaiting your first novel with great anticipation. You are a guru; a shaman. You took a genre that is obviously so full of shit and grew a thing of immense honesty, beauty, humour and pathos. Just keep pushing it around till the publishers call. Best of luck maestro.
David
#29 by aja on November 13, 2013 - 12:57 am
Business up yourself. I’d suggest politics as you seem to be at least palatable if not somewhat OVER qualified.