One

Hello, there, you.

Ever told the truth on your CV?

I’ve been dragging an employment history littered with insubordination, petty acts of rebellion and a devil-may-care attitude toward punctuality to the doors of employers across the globe in an increasingly desperate attempt to secure gainful, fulfilling and – crucially – monetarily rewarding employment.

So far it is going badly.

I think because the CV is 99% truth.

It looks like this:

__________________________________________________________________________

****** THE CV CAN NOW BE FOUND IN THE TAB ABOVE******

__________________________________________________________________________

I’ve applied for some four hundred jobs with the CV but responses have been thin on the ground.   Some quotes from the few responses I have had:

“It’ll take a certain type of person to appreciate your approach”

” you have painted yourself into a metaphorical corner of self loathing that sub-consciously undermines any chance of success by sabotaging any opportunity you may have for success”

” Sarcasm and irony are not part of American culture”

I have some exciting meetings scheduled with recruiters though, and hope to have some good news for you soon.  Also, reader, if you have any suggestions as to how I can better put myself across to employers (I am always looking to improve and have already cut a line about clandestine masturbation in the workplace) then I am all ears.

Until then.

[1] http://www.marygober.com/the-gober-method%E2%84%A2/results/

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  1. #1 by Ant Innit on July 21, 2011 - 11:39 pm

    fucking brilliant. when’s the next post?

  2. #2 by bibs on July 22, 2011 - 7:03 pm

    Awesome, you make it sound like everything you did and everyone you worked with was shit, i hope it wasn’t that bad. Makes for good, funny reading though.

    I can’t believe how little you weigh!

    Love,

    Rob

  3. #3 by Lynne on July 25, 2011 - 7:35 am

    Brilliant!

    I write ‘real’ CVs, but this is very funny!

  4. #4 by sort it out on July 25, 2011 - 2:45 pm

    You can have a job at Pedal MCR. but it will dramatically reduce your Average Wage stat as we don’t get paid. Instead we get all greasy and dirty and yell at bikes and often have very scabby hands and dirty finger nails.

  5. #5 by TheWayofPhil on July 28, 2011 - 7:17 am

    Awesome and inspiring. Just back in the job market myself, so funny to see the truth, and all the rewards it reaps.

    Power to me my friend

  6. #7 by Esme Caulfield on July 28, 2011 - 12:29 pm

    I work in a Uni careers service – I have to say I love your CV, although I wouldn’t be able to advise our students to take this approach, I will definitely be keeping an eye on how you’re doing…and if you want any free careers advice, feel free to get in touch! e.caulfield@salford.ac.uk

  7. #8 by sarah Klein on July 29, 2011 - 2:38 pm

    I would hire you!! x

  8. #9 by Andy Lees on August 5, 2011 - 12:38 pm

    Hope you have some good news soon with the job hunt, you deserve it for the fantastic approach you’re taking!

    Good luck!

    Andy

  9. #10 by tigercity on September 13, 2011 - 4:49 pm

    This as a triumph for the average guy or girl who hasn’t ever been president of the fecking debating society or held a position of responsiblilty. You are doing what the majority of us dream of doing.. I did once apply for a job in Afghanistan with NATO where I made myself out to be some sort of SAS/intepreter cos the salary was enormous.. didn’t get it.. probably as well, could have been kidnapped or shot.. something the average HR assistant doesn’t look for on the CV..

  10. #11 by Julia on September 13, 2011 - 5:20 pm

    I really want to offer you a job (if I had a job myself, let alone the responsibility to justify doing so). That said, It is the most honest thing I have ever read, there should be more honesty in this world filled with bullshit. I ask myself why an employer would want to take someone on with an off the shelf unoriginal CV that actually say’s nothing about that person. If we lived anywhere near each other i’d consider asking you for a drink, it would make for a very interesting date. I hate small talk, I bumped into someone from school while I was at uni and happened to ask him what he was up to, he replied “i’m reading English at Cambridge” (this told me nothing about him as a person) so when he asked the same question I replied “mostly having a LOT of sex”, which I had been at the time, but for some reason met a very chilly response. Anyway, thank you for making me smile.

    Have you considered becoming a columnist? I’d read it.

    Love Julia x

    P.S I am also ginger, don’t you think it’s interesting how non ginger people are so fascinated by what colour our pubes may or may not be?

  11. #12 by Julia on September 13, 2011 - 8:07 pm

    In fact, you should collect responses for a bit longer and write a book, it has a feel of Dave Gorman to it.

  12. #13 by cv writing company on September 14, 2011 - 3:51 pm

    ‘Sarcasm and irony aren’t part of American culture’…. brilliant! You should move to the UK, you’d fit right in!!

  13. #14 by Lowlevel on December 11, 2011 - 2:43 am

    Hey Benedict,

    Thank you for brightening up what would otherwise be yet another soul-destroying Saturday nightshift.

    I can only re-iterate what others have said before me vis-a-vis:

    Would I employ you should I have the wherewithal? : In a New-York minute (I have no idea exactly how long that is, or why the Einsteinian flow of time should be altered by terrestrial geography – But I heard it once whilst playing Max Payne and I though it sounded cool)

    Do I wish I had had this idea first? : Why yes, yes I do – I toyed with the idea of starting a blog once about my day-to-day slog through unemployment and depression… But then I thought “Meh!” and went back staring out of the window.

    Do I think you’re Great? : Yeah, you probably are – I mean, not in a gay Alexander the Great way, but in a shoulder punch, point your finger like a gun, suggestive wink kind of a way.

    Do I think you’re wasted? Note: wasted in this case I take to mean ‘to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return; use to no avail or profit’, not, like, ‘Dude I’m so totally wasted on this top quality weed’ : Yes, your creative mind should be used to entertain a far larger and wider demographic (no, I don’t mean fat people).

    Do I wonder what colour Julia’s pubes are? : Yes, actually I can now think of little else.

    But the one thing I agree with more than anything is that telling the truth on your CV will not get you The Job, it might get you ‘a’ job, but not ‘THE’ JOB. I decided a couple of years ago that I would remove everything that wasn’t 100%, dyed in the wool, true from my CV – I spent that year unemployed, despite having been gainfully employed for the 25 years previous to that. In today’s cut-throat climate, you have to lie, cheat and steal (more than stem ginger biscuits) to get ahead.

    My CV now has no outright lies in it, but it is peppered liberally with advertising metaphore, like ‘Results Driven’, ‘Pro-actively’ and ‘Not likely to go Postal and slaughter all of his workmates’. And as a result I’m stuck in a dead-end job rather than a dead-end dolequeue.

    Keep up the good work, thanks for the lift

    Your newest follower.

  14. #15 by LiTTle on August 7, 2013 - 7:39 am

    I came across with another online CV template attempt. If you are familiar with Java you will understand it for sure. If you don’t, that’s ok! Just visit http://www.bi-ts.info.
    The nice part about the domain name is that it the name of the author (Bill Tsapalos)!

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